Piper Exposed: Top Theologian Fan of Taylor Swift

As a fellow dogmatist in the reformed community, John MacArthur expressed grievous concern for his Calvinistic compadre’s worldly affiliation:

“Any music other than that which is holy and hymny is satanic!

Bizarre doesn’t even begin to describe the recently unfolding truths of top-dog theologian John Piper’s obsession with Taylor Swift. The story first unfolded when Charis Smith, a custodian working late at Bethlehem Baptist Church, thought she heard odd sounds coming from Jerusalem, a pseudonym used to identify Piper’s gigantuous office. At first Smith passed it off as indigestion within the buildings ventilation system but upon closer observation she grew more and more concerned about the disturbing noise. Smith daringly opened the gates to Piper’s office and encountered the life-changing site. Between sobs, Smith explains her experience:

“Dancing…he..he was dancing. And music and…I think he was trying to learn the choreography to her new music video! I knew it was trouble when I walked in…”

As a means of self-therapeutic relief Smith blogged about her experience in hopes that the public expression would release her of internal conflict.

Piper responded to the allegations:

“Yes. Yes, I listen to Taylor Swift, I admit it. See, for me it’s a means of meditation. I listen to her music, the lyrical brilliance and the romantic drama and it just…just soothes me of any and all distractions. When you have my notoriety life is non-stop. Plus I mean really, who doesn’t like Teardrops On My Guitar!? Truth is, guys, every sermon I’ve preached since 2006 was prepared with her serenading me in the background.”

Long awaiting the opportunity to fire back at Piper, controversial pastor Rob Bell was fearless to tweet, “Farewell, John Piper” in response to Piper’s legendary 2011 tweet “Farewell, Rob Bell,” a stiff reaction towards Bell’s controversial book, Love Wins, which boasts a strictly rhetorical idea that Universalism could by chance, maybe, possibly but nobody knows for certain but actually could be a thing, as his book attempts to explain through a plethora of run-on sentences.

The shocking news has caused great disrupt among leading theologians. Perhaps such judgment on music choice would be consistent with hermeneutical interpretation? Has Piper been leading us astray this whole time!?

Desiring God Ministries, of which Piper is the founder, released an official statement saying that since Piper’s exposure he has resigned from his position and everything has changed.

As a fellow dogmatist in the reformed community, John MacArthur expressed grievous concern for his Calvinistic compadre’s worldly affiliation:

“Any music other than that which is holy and hymny is satanic! This type of affection towards a woman with influence is but a slippery slope into egalitarianism! It’s feminism and heresy and worldly and, did I mention, satanic!

MacArthur, affectionately known as Big Mac, coined the phrase “satanic” during his Strange Fire book promotion tour. The forthright cessationist described the source behind apostolic gifts of today, specifically speaking in tongues, as “satanic,” a claim that brought him under fire by advocates from throughout the protestant community, including some reformers.

Speaking on terms of anonymity, Tim Keller has revealed The Gospel Coalition’s plan to permanently excommunicate Piper from their council affirming, “we are never getting back together!”

Rachel Held Evans, vocal Christian feminist and opposer of anything conservative, pondered the news and after much thought came to the conclusion that she had nothing snarky or heretical to say thus she simply admitted, “This is the first time Piper and I have EVER agreed!”

Former mega-church pastor Mark Driscoll hesitated to comment but briefly said, “I’m just glad the attention is off me…gives me a chance to shake it off.”

In a sentimental interview with Acts 29 President, Matt Chandler, he explained how influential Piper was in shaping his character and views of ecclesiological practices today. As Chandler paced back and forth glancing at his collection of memories with Piper on his mantle he emotionally exclaimed, “I guess he’ll be just another picture to burn.”

Not all celebrity Christians were as pessimistic. Louie Gigleo saw this as a potential opportunity to have Swift perform at Passion Conference as long as Christine Caine was cool with it.

When asked his take on the matter, former atheist-turned-Christian philosopher C.S. Lewis replied in all of his whit:

“God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing…But I do like me some T-Swift!”


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