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Ladies, Learn To Simply Tell A Guy No



If he is so full of himself that he would consider you a jerk for turning down his offer then saying "no" is in your best interest, because such arrogance is not indicative of a man who would treat you the way you should be treated.

Recently a friend of mine asked a girl out and she didn't say no. Now, why would I insert the double negative "didn't say no" in place of "she said yes" instead?

Because she didn't say yes.

But she didn't say no.

Are you thoroughly confused yet? Good. Less than a paragraph into the blog and you're already relating to my protagonist.

The protagonist, my friend, was venting to me about a girl who refused to solidify a date with him after he asked her out. She didn't say no, but technically she didn't say yes. Well, she didn't say the word "yes" but she did communicate yes because she gave reasons of unavailability that did not insinuate disinterest.

Turns out she was not interested.

Now ladies, I get it. In your defense I understand that your refusal to say "no" is because you don't want to come across as a jerk. That's very kind of you. However, if you're genuinely trying to avoid being a jerk to him then please consider the following:

1. Lying to him is being a jerk.

Giving him an ambiguous response such as "I'm busy that night" communicates to him that your denial has nothing to do with your disinterest but rather logistical conflict. But if you are disinterested in him and you communicate otherwise...yea, that's called being dishonest. Dishonesty, especially when infused with someone else's romantic hopes, is being a big-time jerk.

Ladies, if a guy asks you out and you aren't interested, you do NOT have to go on the date. You are not a jerk for saying no. And if he is so full of himself that he would consider you a jerk for turning down his offer then it's a darn good thing you said no, because such arrogance is not indicative of a man who would treat you the way you should be treated.

2. Prioritizing your pride over his heart is being a jerk.

If you're more concerned about being labeled a jerk than you are about guarding his heart, you're being a jerk. To be fair, not all of you are doing this intentionally...in fact I'd argue that most of you are not intentionally substituting your concern for his heart for your pride. But being intentional and being pragmatic are two different things. You may not intentionally be prioritizing your pride over his heart, but pragmatically that is exactly what you are doing.

3. Leading him on is being a jerk.

When you replace "no" with "I'm busy that night" you're inadvertently communicating yes. Because if you weren't interested then it wouldn't matter if you were busy. If you were interested then it would matter if you were busy because your busyness has conflicted with something you desire. Thus saying "I'm busy" understandably communicates to him that you are at least willing to go on the date since you blamed your rejection on logistics and not disinterest. That said, you cannot blame him for assuming that the date is still a possibility and thus his pursuit is welcome, which leads him to believe that you are somewhat interested...and that gives him false hope...which is very jerk-ish.

"Well he should take a hint"

Or you should just be honest and upfront. Also, what if a girl was genuinely interested in going on a date but was honestly busy? If he took her busyness as a hint then they'd both be missing out on what could be a wonderful relationship.

Stop hinting and start communicating.

4. Creating closure is NOT being a jerk.

Telling him no is the most un-jerk-ish thing you can do. Telling him no is honest, fair, and it establishes closure so that he may move on with his life. It also creates closure for you. Because if you don't close it then he likely won't either and as long as you lead him on he will continue to pursue you.

Subtle communication is the bedrock for miscommunication. Subtle communication is only clear for the one delivering it, but it's subjective, ambiguous, and flat out confusing as all get-out to the recipient.

–JWR


Hi, my name is John and I love coffee. As I write this I’m sitting in a local roastery sipping a “mudslide” espresso with cream and two and a half sugars. There are few things in life that I feel merit precise orchestration with no room for error, coffee is one of them.

My life belongs to Jesus. I am his son and He is my King. His work in my life is reason enough for my faith to be made complete. He lived to die for me so that I may be credited righteous thus I will live for Him. I believe one area that has been greatly ignored by Christians is culture and politics. We must be active in representing our faith in these communities, but not in a relativistic or compromising way.


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