I'm A Virgin. You're Not. Should We Still Date?

If indeed they're willing to push the same efforts as their partner in reserving sexual activity till marriage, and for the same reasons, then there remains no biblical or moral reason to hold any of their past against them – Jesus doesn't.

To preface, it is imperative that we approach such a sensitive topic with grace, mercy and understanding. This topic has a tendency of surfacing feelings of guilt and shame in people's hearts. To you I say, if you have repented...


The scandalous power of the cross has redeemed you and repositioned your sin so far from you that your past literally doesn't have a chance in Hell at impeding the Father's intimate love for you. You are a new creation, covered in grace, adopted into royalty and you have been assigned a beautiful purpose by a perfect creator.

I hope you feel safe engaging this post and that it leaves you feeling encouraged and challenged.

So, let's dive in to the

I waited, why didn't you?

Piercing words, really. Some have no regrets for past intercourse while others feel remorse. Either way these words tend to cause disrupt. I am a virgin by choice and will be until my wedding night. But if my future beloved has engaged in pre-marital affairs I do not consider that in itself to be a deal breaker. Why?

Because I believe in the power of restoration.

I believe that decisions of the past can remain there.

I believe that our pasts do not necessarily define our present.

I believe that the love of today is not necessarily tainted by relations of the past.

But with that said it is imperative to seek individual responsibility of allowing yourself to be restored, intentionally keeping your past in the past, separating old identity for new identity and pursuing different habits in new relationships. Otherwise the virtue in the above list is nullified.

So why do some require virginity as a requirement for spousal candidacy and others don't?

Some reasons are understandable while others are flat out frivolous really.

Is their past really in the past?

This can be a huge problem. What separates sex from other issues is that once intercourse has been had it creates an even greater vulnerability to reengage. It's been done, the virginity is lost and so many will now considerate it a superfluous act since it's already been done. Also, the desire to experience it again is stronger since they now know the pleasure found in it. So when you combine an enhanced desire with a lack of motivation to decline, it becomes a slippery slope.

If they're not willing to pursue sexual purity before marriage, then you have no business being with them at this point in their life.

This is an imperative consideration because if indeed one desires purity for a relationship then both parties must support appropriate boundaries. Everybody wants to have sex. Yea I said it. But some are more willing than others. Unequal pursuit of purity between a couple is detrimental. This isn't to say that anyone who has had sex is a helpless addict – I'm not saying that at all.

If indeed they're willing to push the same efforts as their partner in reserving sexual activity till marriage, and for the same reasons, then there remains no biblical or moral reason to hold any of their past against them – Jesus doesn't.

You can forgive someone's past but still be cautious. I may forgive a friend for gossiping about me but that doesn’t mean that I will trust this friend with my private facts. Likely one may forgive their partner for past relations but their fear of surfacing promiscuity is indeed rational. Time will tell the legitimacy of a repentant heart. By the way, that’s true with ANY sin.

If you have engaged in pre-marital affairs this does not make you worthless or even worth less. Seek the mighty power of the Jesus and the restoration that flows from Him. Find your identity in Christ, not in your past. Find your value in the righteousness that has been credited you through Christ. Seek the holiness that He radiates, not the ways of the world. Remember that no sin so great could ever impede God’s path to your heart. If you are truly repentant then God sees you as pure – who is any fallen creature to see you otherwise?

This isn't to say that purity isn't important. It's extremely important. So instead of undermining the importance of purity, we must maximize the power of grace.

And at any given point if the virgin holds the non-virgin's past over their head then clearly the virgin does not have a firm grasp of restoration and is therefore doing nothing for the non-virgin's restoration...and the virgin should probably reengage the gospel.

When should that conversation take place?

Sexual history is extremely sensitive thus it is imperative that this discussion be saturated in grace and understanding. The answer to this question is relative. For those who are wearier of chronic habits of sexual history it would be wise to have this conversation sooner than later to ensure you’re both on the same page as far physicality goes between the two of you prior to marriage. Some argue that given the private nature of this past the conversation should take place a good ways into the relationship once trust has been established. Again, the answer is relative. For those who don’t have much of a problem with their partners past it may not be a prioritized discussion.

For me, personally, I'm all about having this conversation sooner so we can better nail down boundaries that would ensure we both walk in purity, and grace towards each other in our relationship.

Should it be a matter of preference?

This is the person you may be spending the rest of your life with. I would hope you prefer them. So yes for those who prefer their spouse to have remained abstinent it should undoubtedly be your prerogative. However, be sure to analyze this preference critically. Such a preference could mean that you miss out on a lifetime of happiness with a loving, joyful and LOYAL companion. If their past holds no lasting implications then you might be basing your preference on shallow ground. A shallow foundation to a tremendous decision is never wise.

Be fair to yourself and to your future beloved. Ask yourself why it is your preference. Oh, and “it just is” is not a valid answer. There are reasons leading to a preference such as this. If it's a matter of personal preference and one simply cannot find peace with being with someone who isn't a virgin then I would recommend finding a virgin. Don't put yourself or a non-virgin through the conflict that would arise otherwise.

"The Bible says I can’t marry someone who isn’t a virgin."

No it doesn't.

Viewers, remember the cross, remember God's love for us all and that through repentance we gain the value of His Son in place of slavery to sin. Keep the conversation going and before labeling somebody remember that God has already labeled them His son or daughter.

For the gospel//


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